Dr Saruman Wonka
by Faerie in Combat Boots
Summary: For those who know, the guy who played Willy's dad also played Saruman in LOTR. What if those two personalities meet? A CATCF LOTR crossover. Very funny, very twisted. READ IT! RAted T because of later chapters.
1. Something very strange

Don't sue me please, I'm just a sick person who needs help.

Little Willy Wonka noticed something was wrong with his father. Very wrong. Just not normal.

Wilbur Wonka had started growing out his hair and beard, it had gotten very long and very straight. Instead of his usual white dentist's uniform he'd taken to wearing elaborate white robes. He was growing his nails out. What's more, is he'd given up dentistry.

Now that would have been fine with Willy, he didn't like dentistry one bit. The problem was now his father was doing very strange things. He was locking himself up in his office and reading strange musty books. He kept mention someone named "Gandalf" and something about these things called "Hobbits". He had come home one evening with a strange glassy ball that he wouldn't let Willy even look at.

Willy's father was very strange now. Before he was against smoking, because tobacco discolored the teeth, but now he smoked from a pipe.

"Father," Willy piped up one day at breakfast.

"Why aren't you a dentist anymore?"

"Because Willy, dentists have no power." Dr. Wonka said with a wolfish smile.

"I want power."

"Well, what are you now?" Willy asked.

"I am a wizard" his father said coldly.

"Oh." Willy said softly.

"I don't think mummy would like that,"

"Your mother is dead now! It matters not what she thinks. I will become powerful beyond imagination! I will be Saruman of Many Colors!" His father erupted rising and making the room seem dark and scary.

Little Willy Wonka soiled himself.

A few days later, when Willy came home from school, he found his father sitting with a bearded man in gray with a pointy hat.

"My boy, I'd like you to meet Gandalf the Gray. He is a wizard like me." he said.

They were smoking pipes and looking like weird old codgers.

"Father" Willy said,

"As nice as it is to meet your friend, I must ask one question"

"Yes?" Dr Wonka, now to be called Saruman replied.

"Why is there a great black tower sticking out of the roof?" Willy asked, not liking at all his father's new hobby.

"I have remodeled the house. We shall now call it Orthanc." Saruman Wonka said.

"But I liked calling it Mabel." Willy said in a small voice.

There was a silence between Saruman and Gandalf. They stared at Willy and then finally Saruman Wonka said:

"Go to bed boy. How dare you embarrass me in front of my wizard comapanion!"

Willy went to bed, hoping his father's strange hobby would pass quickly just like when his father was into model trains and UFO spotting.


	2. ISDD and that special time of life

Disclaimer blah blah. Oh and forgive me if I don't remember every line from LOTR. Oh and one more thing. I will not put in ALL Lotr dialogue, because it's plagiarism. Oh and there's some mention of the female reproductive organs. Just read it!

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Over passing months, Willy's father grew stranger. Much stranger. So did the house. The house wasn't much of a house anymore. It was a great black tower. And it was supposed to be called Orthanc. If Willy called it Mabel, he would get a resounding smack on the back of the head by the staff that Saruman Wonka had started carrying about obsessively. This explains much of Willy's weirdness today. You know, brain damage and such.

One day the strange grew old man with an affinity for smokeable weeds grown by "hobbits" and fireworks, came to visit.

Willy's father greeted him the way he greeted everyone, coldly and looking like he'd eaten high school cafeteria food. Plus he had that snarky smile he had whenever he got to do a root canal and was running low on anesthesia.

Willy was sent to his room, where he secretly nibbled on varying candies while the old coots conversed. Eventually Will grew bored writing obsessive notes on varying Skittles flavors and decided to eavesdrop on he Wizards.

In Saruman W's office he conversed with Gandalf. What they did not know was that little Willy Wonka was eavesdropping.

" Sauron has regained much of his former strength…" he heard his father say.

Sauron? Who the fiddlesticks is that? - Willy thought, confused.

"A great eye lidless… wreathed in flame" Saruman W. said.

Well now, poor Willy would have nightmares after hearing that. His father said this eye sees all. Does that mean he's seen everything Willy was up to? He felt sick. Would this Sauron fellow tell his father he was eating sweets?

"He is gathering all evil to him" Saruman W. said.

Willy suddenly pictured a great flaming eye surrounded by the McDonald's Clown, The Kool-Aid Guy, The Lucky Charms Leprechaun and Keebler Elf. He shuddered.

"How do you know this?" Gandalf asked.

"I have seen it" his father said.

Willy followed the two to the one room he was never allowed. The "Palantir" room. It was a great circular room, cold and shiny with black marble. His father uncovered a little ball on a pedestal.

"A Palantir is a very dangerous tool" Gandalf said.

"Why should we fear to use it?" Saruman Wonka asked with a cruel smile.

"They are not all accounted for the lost seeing stones! We do not know who else may be watching!" Gandalf warned throwing the cloth back on it.

Willy was completely lost at this point. There was stuff about "The Nine" and a "Ring" and this place called Mordor.

Then as much as Willy could glean from Gandalf's confusing vocabulary and riddles, Gandalf called Saruman W. "mad".

As far as Willy was concerned he was right, he father was bonkers. Anyone who burnt candy in front of a child and enjoyed putting his latex-gloved fingers in someone's mouth was certifiably insane.

However, Saruman Wonka didn't find it funny. He let out a crazy old man yell "Yah!" and the pair of old coots starting dueling.

It was quite literally an episode of ISDD or Isatari Smack Down of Doom. They were throwing each other against the walls, Willy shocked at what he saw.

Eventually Saruman sent Gandalf flying up to the very top of Orthanc, which scared Willy very much.

After that Saruman Wonka noticed his son.

"What are you doing here boy!" he growled.

"Um Dad, I um had to tell you um…" Willy searched for an excuse.

"Spit it out!" Saruman cried.

"I've gotten my friend!" Willy cried, having heard some of the older girls at his school mention it, and knowing by their talk that it was very important.

"What?" Saruman asked.

"I've gotten my friend." Willy repeated.

"Are you telling me, Willy that you have commenced menstruation?" Saruman asked.

"Uh yes?" Willy said sheepishly.

"So you are telling me my son that you! A male, have the proper reproductive organs including ovaries, a uterus and a vagina, such as a female and you are now experiencing menstruation?" Saruman W. said with a dead serious voice.

"Yes?" Willy choked.

"LIAR! Now leave! Go to the library and check put several books on Human reproduction so you can figure out why your lie is completely wrong!" Saruman Wonka roared.

So little Willy Wonka went to the library and was fully traumatized for the next ten years.


	3. A New Mummy and a Fabulous Secret

The disclaimer remains, I own nothing.

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Willy returned from the library, shocked out of his mind. That disgusting book, suggesting that he came from such a terrible place. "Ewwww why do people even have such body parts he thought? Can't we all just be born from eggs like chickens? Wait we do come from eggs…AHHH no! Don't think about that! Icky!"

As Willy walked into the perimeter of his home, darling lovely Orthanc, he noticed that there was a foul smell.

"What stinks?" he thought. He figured out what stank.

All around Orthanc were legions of gross, disgusting creatures. They were adorned in armor, fur, and leather, looking like attendees at a heavy metal concert. They were ugly creatures and leered at Willy, as he walked to the door. They poked and laughed at his braces, making him feel uncomfortable and freakish. But this, he figured was no different from the middle school he'd been going to.

He stepped in thorough the wide double doors, and went to his father's study. It was cold, and his father was sitting hunched over.

"Father? Are you all right? Are you ill? Can you-" Willy asked, sounding rather feminine.

"Shut up boy!" Saruman Wonka cried throwing book at his son.

"I am in deep thought"

Willy stood still, staring at his oddball father. His father, he had given him life. His dead mother too. And by the books he read in the library on human reproduction that meant that his mother and father had…

"OH JESUS CHRIST NO!" Willy cried out falling to the floor and trying to clutch his head in agony, but he couldn't because of his headgear.

"What you don't want Salmon in a lemon butter sauce with a side of asparagus for dinner?" A new voice said. Such a creepy voice.

Willy turned and saw a greasy man with long black hair wearing black musty robes.

"Excuse me sir," Willy began politely.

"But I am afraid I do not know who you are. Who are you?"

"Ah, my son I have been meaning to introduce you to him." Saruman Wonka began.

"This is my dear friend Grima Wormtongue"

'Dear friend' Willy thought blankly, staring at the sick smiles the pair held between eachother. The book _Heather Has Two Mommies_ came to mind.

"Does this mean that Mr. Wormtongue will live with us?" Willy asked.

"For the most part," Saruman Wonka said.

"Sometime he will be in Rohan, manipulating King Theoden, but when his is here you may call him Mummy Dearest if you like. I would like it if you did. Wormtongue is very special to me"

This was like that strange book his second grade teacher had read the class! But he wasn't going to have two mommies! He's have two daddies and he had to call one mommy! Willy's head hurt and he screamed:

" Grima will never be my mommy! My Mum will always be my mummy no matter what you say!"

Then he ran from the room sobbing like a whiny pussy. Wormtongue, Saruman Wonka and a random orc were absolutely still, only blinking a few times.

Then Random Orc said:

"That was some fucked up shit right there,"

The other two nodded in agreement. As Wormtongue left he said:

"Guess little Willy doesn't want salmon. I'll just fix up some chicken then"

Several hours later, Saruman Wonka came up to his son's room. Thankfully, he knocked giving Willy time to hide the candy he was tasting and the pair of his mother's old high heels and slip.

"Yes father?" Willy asked.

"No doubt today's events upset you. I must apologize to my only son. I am sorry Willy. Grima frightens even me sometimes" Saruman Wonka said.

"I understand," Willy murmured.

"Dinner will be ready in a half an hour my boy," Saruman Wonka said, walking out with a swish of his robes.

Once he was gone Willy retrieved the candy, slip and heels. He pulled the slip over his head, put the patent leather stilettos on his feet.

'Gosh' he thought. 'Mummy had such small feet. These fit perfectly'

Then he retrieved a blonde wig from under his bed, put it on (struggling to fit it under his head gear), stuck a lollipop in between his teeth and turned on _"Lady Marmalade"_ by Patti Labelle.

The he proceeded to get his groove on until called for dinner.


End file.
